I’m not vocal about breastfeeding habits. That’s because I’m a bit of a prude when it comes to mentioning certain body parts on a public forum, but I have been breastfeeding Aidan. It was pretty successful after the first few chaotic days of figuring it what, where and how much were behind us. In fact, in his first 8 weeks the little guy was gaining more than 400 grams a week on average. For perspective, the norm is 100 – 300 grams. There were two weeks where he gained 500 grams, so I guess that’s proof that breastfeeding was working for us.

Then in week 8 thinks started to slip. A couple of factors influenced this, including Aidan’s first round of vaccines, but mealtimes became a stressful situation as Aidan refused to take a full feed. We pushed through and things got back to normal after two trying weeks. It was a horrible time for me as my little guy actually pushed me away screaming after a half feed, something that was very hard for me not to take personally. But like I said, we got over it.

Then things started going wrong again last week. I decided t give it a week to sort things out and see, before we tried offering him some formula. I had planned to keep up the breastfeeding until Aidan was 4 months old, and then most likely swap him onto formula when I went back to work. I occasionally even considered the noble intention of expressing at work and keeping it up till 6 months, but that was a fleeting idea and not practical. Books and magazines like to tell you how you can make breastfeeding and going back to work, well, work. How you should lobby to get a breastfeeding room set up in your workplace and etc. Well that’s not going to happen at my work, so it’s my car in the parking lot or a stall in the bathroom. I bit exposed and unhygienic respectively. Not to mention that my breastpump isn’t the quietest on the market.

That week ends today, but I gave in early. We gave Aidan a bottle of formula yesterday afternoon and he gobbled it down with no ill effects. And though he had breast again at bedtime, he slept for 7 hours last night. That’s not seven hours between feeds, which was his previous record, that 7 hours of sleep, 8.5 hours between feeds because he wasn’t at all inclined to go to sleep last night – do they put vitamins/caffiene in formula?

I’m still a little hurt that he doesn’t seem to want what I have to offer anymore (though he’ll take breastmilk from a bottle fine – salt in the wound) but I’m going to cut my losses now and make the swap. It will allow me stop worrying about whether this feed he’ll get a full meal. It’s a concern that raises itself every 3 hours, though my going into the situation stressed probably doesn’t help matters. And I can stop watching what I eat. I can have a good strong cocktail. I can go horse-riding without having to make sure I have some top-up milk expressed because that always diminishes my supply. I can put my fat arse on a diet and shed the rest of this weight. I don’t have to go and sit in another room to feed Aidan when we are at friends or have friends over. Aidan should go longer between feeds on formula, and hopefully that will mean only one night feed in future. And it’s easier for dad to feed.

In return for these benefits I miss out on giving my son the best nature has to offer, and I loose the status of being sole provider of food for him. It’s a tough choice, but in the end I think we both, no make that all three – this isn’t a happy situation for Hunny either, can do without the tension around mealtimes. So it’s the end of an era. And funny to think this was such a tough decision for me, because initially I wasn’t convinced I wanted to breastfeed at all.